Summer 2010 Movie Preview, Part I

SUMMER 2010 PREVIEW:
PART I

page 4

June 18th
Toy Story 3

Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen), and the rest of their toy-box friends are dumped in a day-care center after their owner, Andy, departs for college.

PC: I love it...based on an advanced script I got a hold of Tim Allen's toy goes on a coke binge and is arrested and taken to a federal pen. Tom Hanks' toy decides to break him out through the cunning ruse of dressing in drag in order to sneak into the prison as a cell cleaning woman. The warden is suspicious but relents when guest star toy Peter Scolari gives him the blowjob of his life. Based on this script I'm tempted to go back and watch the original two, but then I realize that they are most likely banal garbage fit only for fucking morons. [Mr. Cooney was provided with an early draft of the script which may or may not bear resemblance to the completed film. --ed.]

EP: Sweet. Pixar. Although I suppose it should be disconcerting that after the Ratatouille/Wall-E/Up! trifecta, we get a second Toy Story sequel, with Monsters Inc and Cars sequels in the works. Whatever. Cars is better than its reputation. I hope this movie is released in regular-D.

JC: I'm still a little confused as to Pixar's involvement in the making of this one. Last I heard, it was mostly Disney people presiding over production and the Pixar gang was taking a back seat. What I do know is that, whereas the first two movies were written by like 3 or 4 Pixar guys with a little Joss Whedon thrown in there, this new one is credited solely to the dude who wrote Little Miss Sunshine. Which was the exact opposite of funny and charming. So that's reason enough to worry.

But I'm sorry, are we seriously debating whether I'm going to see the follow-up to Toy Story 1 & 2? Seeing them again in the recent 3-D double feature, my love was rekindled. As long as Pixar is what it is, I doubt I'm in any danger of NOT seeing any of their films.

But I do have to comment on Pfriender claiming Cars is "better than its reputation." It's not - it's much, much worse. Eric has not been among the people, as I have. I've seen more Cars-themed backpacks and stickers and trapper keepers than any other Pixar-related product. Kids merrily chiming "Dang-gum!" at one another and running around in circles like maniacs pretending they are cars. And as we all know, kids are idiots. How like them to prefer the least complicated, most unfunny and puzzingly designed of the studio's catalog that is more or less a two-hour plug for Nascar. It shares a plot with Doc Hollywood for god's sake! As a Dreamworks release it may have been acceptable, but by Pixar's standards it is pure bottom-of-the-barrel. There's a reason it's the only Pixar movie to lose the Best Animated Film Oscar, to a movie with penguins belting out Earth Wind & Fire songs.

CF: Gah, Pixar has really been pushing it. Up! was probably better than I give it credit for, but also one of their worst films. Cars was pretty recent, too. Now, a second sequel? I actually love the first two Toy Story films (obviously, I'm not a heartless monster like Cooney), but I just can't see myself enjoying this. Of course I'll see it - and if I had to bet on one film this summer being truly great, this would be it... but still. Going back to this well again seems like exactly the sort of thing John Lasseter decried when he mocked all the DTV Disney sequels the studio was churning out. I just don't know - it seems stale and if I'm going to spit all over Shrek 4 for crass commercialism (which I didn't), I should probably scoff at this. I just don't know.

The verdict: The jury is out.

Tally: 2-1, with one on the fence

Jonah Hex

The U.S. military gives bounty hunter Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) an offer he cannot refuse: in exchange for his freedom from the warrants on his head, he's to take down a terrorist (John Malkovich) who is gathering an army and preparing to unleash Hell on Earth.

EP: This movie's trailer hasn't been made available on the interwebs yet. And according to John's synopsis, there were reshoots with a second director. I'm going to take those as bad signs. However, if you look up "Jonah Hex Trailer" on youtube, for some reason the top hit is the "rape the horses" scene from Three Amigos. So based on that, I am highly recommending that we all go to see Jonah Hex as soon as possible. Get thee to a multiplex.

CF: The next Van Helsing? Oh dear sweet Ramona and Beezus, I hope so. DPK and Michael Shannon? I'm in creep heaven! Malkovich and Will Arnett are red flags, unless you're hoping for another lame-brained, super-hammy, utterly idiotic big budget studio super-disaster (which I am), in which case those two scenery-chewing cheeseballs are green flags, which means "go, go, see Jonah Hex - it's this year's Constantine!" From the poster, this looks like supernatural action stuff, but that description reads like it's the much-anticipated sequel to From Paris with Love. I guess I should never forget that Josh Brolin was arrested for brutalizing Diane Lane, which is fucking scummy as hell. Really disgusting - how does this guy even still have a career? The only explanation is that he has a career because I'm going to see this movie despite knowing he's a woman-beating piece of shit.

The verdict: 1 terrible title. 2 world class creeps. 2 ham sandwiches. 1 hot as hell dreamboat (Michael Fassbender.) 1 woman that is objectively less attractive than my wife. 1 dude who is arguably as attractive as my wife (Aidan Quinn.) 1 ridiculous title. 2 shitty directors. 2 writers who think they are significantly more awesome than they actually are. That could add up to Van Helsing, right?

JC: Holy shit, look at that supporting cast! I mean, when you get past Will Arnett! Shannon, Fassbender, DPK...I would actually condone something as unthinkable as a Wild Bunch remake if they could get guys like this in the same movie. Thankfully that's not the case, and all we have to pay the devil to see these dudes together is the price of a single ticket to a film starring the cowardly douchebag who dared maim the gorgeous former-Mrs. Christopher Lambert, Diane Lane. Fuck you, Brolin.

Fortunately I'm the kind of guy who can leave politics and personal character defects at the door of the theater so I'll check this out, but I want to say one thing. Dear Hollywood: you do not have to turn every comic book ever created into a movie. Just because it has panels and word bubbles does not mean it will pull Spiderman and Batman numbers. Outside the geek set (a majority of whom consider themselves "purists" and may skip out on the flick altogether), people are not going to realize this is a comic book movie. They'll think it's a western. And westerns do not pack 'em in the way they did in 1939. Just be ready to take a wash on this one, guys.

I don't know how the Crank fellas managed to write their standard busted junkie skank with neck-to-toes tats and multiple piercings into a movie set in the Old West, but Megan Fox certainly fits the bill perfectly.

PC: If the Losers are any indication comic book adaptations are always successful in every way. Josh Brolin plays a wife beater...oh wait that's real life...umm in this movie he does shit, some of which hopefully involves beating on Megan Fox, nice tattoo you idiot, yes you do evoke memories of Marilyn, in that you are vapid and would be better off dying before 40, and Will Arnett, who is smarmy and unpleasant.

David Patrick Kelly and Aidan Quinn will no doubt add charm and good looks to whatever part they play in this, such is their Irishness.

Tally: 3-1; 4-0 in favor of beating the shit out of Josh Brolin for what he did to darling Diane.

I Am Love

In 1930s Milan, the Recchi family's dynamic is forever changed when Emma (Tilda Swinton), the heart of the clan, enters into an affair with Antonio (Edoardo Gabbriellini), her brother-in-law's friend and business partner.

EP: This wins the award for "summer movie trailer for a movie that looks least like a summer movie." Food, adultery, Italy, and Tilda Swinton. Hung jury.

CF: Where did this come from?

The verdict: Next! Also: this sounds dangerously like a real movie! A real boring movie! Toot, toot! wheeeeeee!

JC: Garbo Laughs! Swinton Speaks Italian! Hm - somehow it doesn't have the same power. If somebody came into a room and said "hey," I would turn my head on cue, and if they put this movie on I'd watch it. But I would not actively seek it out.

PC: I am...not attracted to Tilda Swinton. 1930's? Family business affair...oh my god I think I developed narcolepsy just thinking about this movie. Cut the period bullshit and do the Conan O'Brien story already Tilda. If you're a method actress that means acting like a phony, unfunny, whiny, pussy from dawn til dusk. Marry an unattractive woman and make a lot of excuses too if possible.

Tally: 0-3, 1 hung jury

June 25th
Grown Ups

After their high school basketball coach passes away, five good friends (Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Kevin James) and former teammates reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend.

EP: It was worth watching this trailer just to see Kevin James wipe out on that tree swing. Because, you know, fuck that guy. I guess this was pitched as a reunion of the surviving dudes from the SNL class of 90-95. Would this movie look better or worse if Farley were still alive? Discuss.

JC: Man that must have been an awkward conversation to get Kevin James signed on.

"We want you for this movie!"

"Really, why?"

"Well it's a movie about a reunion, and we've got all these SNL guys reuniting IN the movie!"

"Yeah that's great, but you know I was never on the show."

"Right right right well the thing is, we really wanted Chris Farley but...you know. The hookers. The night life. The nose candy."

"Sooooo what's that got to do with me?"

"We figured you could fill in for Farley. You're like a real life benchwarmer, Kevin James - and you're going in!"

"Why me?"

"Because...he was a funny comedian, and you're a funny comedian!"

"That's the real reason?"

"Sure! And, uh...you both...you know..."

"...What?"

"Jesus Kevin James do I have to spell it out? You're a fat fatty just like the much more beloved and well-known Chris Farley! It would have been too obvious and detrimental to the film to hire his unfunny, untalented fat brother to stand in for him, so be thankful that we at least consider you better than that revolting turd. Now put on these Matt Foley glasses and crash through this glass table, tubbo!"

If this is a true "all-star early 90's SNL reunion" film, where the hell is Kevin Nealon? Ellen Cleghorne? Melanie Hutsell? She could do an impression of a hideous-looking woman like no one I've ever seen. But I guess they've got both Mario Bello and Maya Rudolph filling in that slot.

I'll only see it after somebody lets me know how prominent Norm MacDonald's part is.

CF: It's definitely creepy how they're just trying to pass off Kevin James like he's Chris Farley and there's nothing weird about that. Hey, just another big, fat excitable white dude, right? We completely aren't reassembling the early 90's cast of SNL or anything, so don't think about James replacing a dead man. I'm not sure if this will be any good, but I imagine I will enthusiastically recommend it to Cooney at some point. Maria Bello? Strike one. Maya Rudolph? Strike two. Salmita? Home run! With Norm MacDonald and Tim Meadows on base! It's a three run homer! (please note that the preceeding statement is in no way an endorsement of baseball, the worst of all sports.) Hell, I enjoy all these guys, this seems like a perfectly affable time-waster.

The verdict: I know who (co-writer) Fred Wolf is. He played one of the bums in Dirty Work.

PC: Hit or miss! We all know The Benchwarmers was not a good movie, despite what Chris Funderburg might tell you when he's trying to woo you and get in your pants. However Kevin James became royalty for a reason, that portly bastard knows how to make himself sympathetic! I heartily enjoyed Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Salma Hayak's breasts make everything better.

Spade, Schneider, McDonald can be golden and I have a soft spot for my girl Maya Rudolf based solely on one line she uttered in Idiocracy. I believe it contained the words "fucking" and "retard."

Chris Rock is movie poison however, save for when he attempts to buy one rib or plays a crackhead. Based on the trailer I don't think he's doing crack in this, though it is a very grown up thing to do!

Tally: I honestly have no idea.

Knight and Day

An action-comedy centered on a fugitive couple (Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz) on a globe-spanning adventure where, amid shifting alliances and unexpected betrayals, nothing and no one are what they seem.

PC: Fuck and you! Lil Tommy Cruise and Cammy "I'm over 30 why am I still being cast?" Diaz in a Mr and Mrs Smith rip-off. I don't want to waste any time even thinking about this shit. Germany was right to ban Scientology and Matt Dillon was right to dump Diaz. When Germany and Dillon are against you you are wrong!

EP: It seems to me that the problem with this movie is that it depends on you finding Tom Cruise charming, which seems like a futile exercise at this point. In its defense, the trailer does feature the hilarious line: "Nobody move, or else I'll kill myself and then her."

JC: I think I'd rather see a movie where Tom Cruise says "I'll kill myself and then her" and means it. A movie where there are no cameras. And Katie Holmes plays the girl. And it's a real gun. Then the couch-jumping pansy goes to meet Lord Xenu in Scientologist heaven where there's no post-partum depression, psychiatry, or glib Matt Lauers. Oh what, we're supposed to lay off Cruise now that he's back doing brainless over-budgeted summer fare that'll play in Pittsburgh? Fuck that man, Valkyrie could have been a classic!

Now let's see...the Chantel Ackerman film Night and Day is the worst movie I've ever seen, and that title wasn't even a stupid pun. The last movie Cruise and Diaz did together is arguably the worst movie I saw in a theater over the last decade. The writer is a friend of John Cusack's who had parts in Tapeheads and Grosse Pointe Blank - does that mean anything? I've already heard the script was re-tailored to fit Cruise, so even if that did mean something it doesn't anymore. The 3:10 to Yuma remake was worth watching against all odds, but that doesn't necessarily buy Mangold any cred. Hm...I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself that this is likely to be anything other than a huge piece of shit.

Also, can we retire using this knight/night paronomasia in movie titles? A Knight's Tale, Knighty Knight Bugs, First Knight, The Dark Knight, Black Knight, A Knight in Camelot...those are just off the top of my head. And the characters names in this movie aren't Jeff Knight and Tina Day or anything, so I don't even get it.

CF: This is the sort of thing cripples my already limited faith in humanity: it's just obviously terrible and is just as obviously going to be a gigantic hit. It just looks stupid. Is there any denying that? And I'm somehow going to end up seeing it. It's just as much my fault as anybody's. I'm not trying to blame anyone, it's just the way it is. I'm sorry. This one's on me.

The verdict: The summer's surefire-est superhit is a winking reinvention of Tom Cruise's star persona and a major boost to the career of lovely Miss Diaz. Action comedy is tough to pull off, but if the heavily downloaded trailer is any indication, helmer James Mangold nailed it.

Tally: 0-4

We'll be picking up on the next set of summer movies by examinging the upcoming July releases in Part II.

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